death by paper cut

{October 23, 2005}   he said it

yesterday at the university open house he said to my friend, “as a student, the line between wants and needs becomes clear.”

i was going through budgeting and accounts with my parents last night. the original plan conceived 5 years ago was for my parents to pay the tuition fees and i would deal with everything else. alas due to rising living cost and unfavourable exchange rate, my parents will need to top up what i’ve set aside.

i was utterly dismayed when i broke down my day to day living expenses. my main concern was being able to travel far and wide during the holidays and now it seems like i might not be able to get that far or that wide. also, i worked out how long i would take to return my parents every single cent.

having no financial burdern and having received income for the past 5 years, bugeting is now a reality-check-slap in the face.

sleeping on it worked wonders. i’ve put things in perspective – i needed to be slapped.

1) not everyone have the means to study overseas.

2) i am able afford at least a third (more if change rate tilts to my favour) of total expenses, most students studying overseas need total funding.

3) working around a tight budget is something most students experience – frugality will be a useful quality there, and will be for the rest of my life.

4) humility – i’ll be using my parents’ savings. paying back is not the issue, this is not the time to be supercilious.

5) i always fault my mom for unnessarily worrying, but perhaps i am guilty of that too. sometimes i feel that he disregards my anxiety when he tells me not to worry. in the same way i might have been trivialising my mom’s genuine concerns. on the other hand, perhaps this apprehension should be trivialised. case in point: i was just freaking out about now being able to find a place to stay, and then i’ve been approached to fill up a vacancy, and now i’m freaking out about some other thing.

6) i don’t lack in any good thing. i have all i need.

7) i need to remind myself why i want this overseas 2-year stinct.
a – fun
b- interest in this field of discipline.
c – time off from working
d – time off from family
e – putting myself up to the challenge of living alone – cooking, laundry, budgeting, adapting, taking care of myself when sick and with no family gp, dealing with lonliness (?)
f – at the end of this, i want to be more resilent, resourceful and humble. the key ingredient for these qualities is crisis, and i have no crisis to speak of now.

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